Tuesday 22 April 2014

In Which The Fae Makes an Offer

Dear Diary,

The strangest thing happened as I went back to class. Leanne walked up to me. She pointedly said that I didn’t like her. I agreed. Whatever. It’s better that she knows where we stand. I don’t want her here but I can’t stop her, so I guess I have to live with her.

And then she started talking about Chantel. Like Chantel’s changes. I didn’t really know what had happened with her, and to be honest, I hadn’t even asked. I felt a pang of guilt as I realized I had left her behind. I didn’t want to. I missed her. Things had just become so absorbing that I forgot other people had a life. Poor Chantel. Shit was getting so awful for her.

I ignored my initial impulse to walk away and go ask Chantel what had been happening and kept watching Leanne. And then I called her on her shit with what she did to Israel. She said coming back from the dead has a price. I stared at her. I could bring Jack back. The thing I had been working on the most in the back of my head.

I had thought of blowing the last bit of dust on him, but I figured that would just banish him. I wanted him back. The one thing I wanted, more than anything, and she could give it to me. If I submitted to her torture. I wasn’t sure I would survive though.

So I asked if there was another way. And sure enough, if I get that bracelet from Chantel I could do it. She would do it. Jack would come back. I couldn’t help but say yes. I didn’t want to be alone anymore and I knew Jack shouldn’t have died. So I made a deal with her. Some hunter I’m shaping up to be.


And then we went to class. As we all sat there, a text came from Israel saying Vincent was in trouble. Almost in unison we stood and left the class. Stupid idiot got himself in trouble with his mother. Well, I guess Natalie was a problem now. I guess it was time to try slaying a vampire.

In Which The Bitch Hits Back

Dear Diary,

I tried to approach today like the new me I said was going to be. I wasn’t going to put up with Vincent’s shit anymore. I wasn’t going to overthink what I’m doing with Caleb. I’m just going to go with the flow. I’m going to move like water, stop resisting everything, and learn to live in the moment. Because anything else will kill me.

And then today happened. I was getting to school when I saw Vincent walking over to the car where Caleb and some of the guys were. They were talking, which really is never good, and then suddenly Caleb went flying out of the car through the window. Vincent was galring down at him. What the fuck has he done now? What did he do? Go bargain for more powers?

The insurmountable rage inside of me began to boil the surface and I found myself suddenly there and involved. I struck out and punched Vincent. That new found power ran through me and I knew I had hurt him. The problem was, I felt good about it. Something inside of me began to blossom and the rage increased. I think it was my own surprise at myself that stopped me from hitting him again and again. But I wanted to. I wanted to push him to the ground and smash his head against the pavement. Fuck. I think I wanted to kill him.

I stood listening to the meeting about what had happened. Vincent tried to blame Caleb. Like he does. Like he always did. Blame someone else. I Shut him down and then he walked off in a saddened state. Chantel had told him the truth. I wasn’t interested in rehashing it. Fuck this. I’m done with this drama. Caleb said thanks for defending him and I shrugged. I didn’t want to commit to anything. But being around him quiets the rage inside of me.

Chantel said Vincent can’t hurt anyone anymore. Pieces of the necklace I gave her were all over the ground. There was a brief moment when I wanted to cry. I swallowed hard and moved on. I was too busy focusing the rage inside of me to let the necklace bother me. It was official then. That life was over. Time to move on.

Turns out Sasha, the girl Caleb was apparently trying to kidnap (he’s such an idiot sometimes), was the daughter of someone connected to Natalie and the old bitch was spying on us all. I didn’t get what difference that made, since Natalie was mostly harmless and if she wanted to kill us, she could. So why bother worrying about it? There was nothing she could learn that would be harmful.


So we decided to go to class.

In Which Smoke May Mean Fire

Dear Diary,

Sleep is a lot like love. It’s all at once or not at all, unavoidable, and pisses me off to no end. I can’t get Vincent out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about the way Caleb looks at me, the way he touches me. I know he’s being comforting but there’s something beneath it all that scares me. I never sleep in anymore. Just like I swear I’ll never love again.

But with every breath I find myself exhausted and wanting to fall into the warmth of sleep with another. With Vincent? With Caleb? I don’t know anymore. The two of them confuse me. Even forgetting me seems to not be enough to keep Vincent away from me. He wants to know me again. Wants to go out and do things together. Like it will ever be that simple again.

Dad’s never home anymore. He’s in the middle of switching hospitals and transferring patients is taking longer than he’d like. At least that’s what he says. I think he hates looking at me. I remind him of everything he’s lost, including the life that he fucked up. I’m the daughter who maybe looks too much like her mother. That’s what Uncle Chase said at the funeral. That I look so much like her.

I was about to try to sleep and stop staring out the window when a call came on my phone. It was Vincent. It was also almost three in the morning. I thought it must’ve been important, you know? Why else call at this hour? So I answered it. He asked to meet up. And I said yes. I don’t know why I said yes, just that I did. I wanted to see him. I wanted to fall into his arms and tell him I was sorry for everything. Even though I knew I couldn’t.

We met at the school. I couldn’t help but watch the fairy ring from a distance and keep watching I’m always afraid something will come out of there I waited in my car until he showed up and then he started to ask questions. Questions about what he had done and what we were and how I was involved and that I owed him answers.

I told him I didn’t owe him anything. That he could blow in the wind. He had to figure shit out on his own and I wasn’t going to help him because of everything he had done to me. I was saying it so he would go away and stop talking to me, but at some point, I knew I was believing my own words. I don’t owe Vincent anything. I don’t owe any of them anything. What I’ve become is my own doing. But it means I can’t blame them either.


After he left I lit a cigarette and cried for the girl I wasn’t anymore. I didn’t know who or what I was now, but there was no going back. And it was time to embrace that. It's time to be Robin again.

Monday 21 April 2014

In Which the Mummy Shoots Me Down


Dear Diary,

My heart still stung from giving the necklace to Chantel. Part of me, I don’t really know why, wanted to hurt her, wanted to show her that she wasn’t as in control as she thought. Part of this was her always thinking she could talk a situation to be like what she wants it to. I don’t know. Maybe it’s that rage inside me. Maybe it’s that she took Huntstone into herself. I don’t know anymore.

I looked for Ardath and found him playing with instruments in music class. I can’t say I miss going to class. But it’s interesting to see him attending. I always kind of figured him for the disinterested type. Anyways, I asked him to talk to me after class, and he did.

That’s when I asked him to help me kill Leanne. She wasn’t supposed to be here and she’d done nothing but make all of our lives harder. And I knew he had once wanted her gone. But he just looked at me, laughed, and told me to let it go. Told me to get over it. That he had learned that things were worth forgetting about, and Leanne was one of those.

Something about him seemed different. Every since we made Vincent normal again. Not that I’ve seen him much, I mean, we’ve never really talked or gotten along, but I thought I would find an ally in him in terms of taking out Leanne. But I didn’t. I must’ve looked a little shell shocked, because I certainly felt that way, and then I did something I never really do. I insulted him, told him he was weak. And I believed myself. What’s wrong with me?

I was so pissed. I stormed off and walked into the school to get shit from my locker. Some of the TNT people I had made Robin gather showed and asked me some questions. Somehow, they think I know what I’m doing. I don’t. I have no idea what truths to tell them or how to help them. I just want to. I don’t want them to end up like me. Why Robin is actually helping… well I don’t know.

Then I ran into Israel. He looked pissed off too. One thing I love about him is he usually feels the same way I do. Maybe a bit differently and for different reasons, but he always seems to be a mirror. We’re both sad at the same time, or happy, or hopeless. He’s a good friend to have at the end of the world. We chatted about what was pissing him off. Apparently Chantel. And Leanne.

I smiled and asked him to kill Leanne with me. I didn’t even need to give reasons. He just agreed. There was a moment when I felt things shifting a little, like somehow Israel and I, who had always been more of the good ones were becoming something new and awful. The hunger in me for destruction and anger, to release it all, stirred and I nodded. This was going to happen.

Thursday 17 April 2014

In Which A Sickness Stirs Inside

Dear Diary,

There was a meeting at the high school in the sound room. All the monsters were there, including me. Leanne’s at our school again, not really sure why or what she wants. Chantel says she has her under control but whatever. You can’t control someone like Leanne. She’s probably just here to watch us all burn.

Dean was there. Ardath too. Vincent wasn’t. That’s good. He’s normal now. It needs to stay that way. The meeting didn’t go great. No one really agreed, from what I heard. I can’t seem to stay focused anymore. Everytime people start talking to me about things I should care about, it’s like this fog descends and I’m left feeling like I can’t bring myself out of it. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m just done. I feel done. Like something’s coming to an end no matter what I do.

After the meeting, Caleb talked to Chantel and I went off to talk to Ardath. I wanted Leanne gone. I wanted her dead and gone before she could hurt more of us. It was such a sudden feeling of anger I knew I had to do something about it or else it would just eat away inside of me and I’d end up hurting someone else. I don’t know where the anger comes from. It just consumes me.

As I went to talk to Ardath, Chantel grabbed me and asked if I had the necklace Vincent had given me. It hadn’t been destroyed in the banishing act so I said yeah. She asked for it. Everything inside me told me not to give it to her, but I didn’t want her to see me hesitate. It was better if everyone thought I hated Vincent. Even him.


So I gave her the necklace. I can’t imagine what she’ll do with it. I felt like I was giving away a part of me. But it was only for a second and it just seemed to fuel the fire inside me. Elliot never said there’d be rage like this. Chantel mentioned he was a hunter before. A smart person would talk to him about it. But fuck it. I’m tired of asking for help.