In Which The Emptiness Swallows All

Dear Diary,

I watched as the man I loved became a stranger. Tobias finished a spell where we all gave something important and then Vincent was free of Samael. Of everything Samael. The book turned to ash and the world turned back to what it would have been if Samael had never had his grasp on the Godfrieds. Only Vincent was the only one who didn’t remember.

There were so many emotions in me I couldn’t breathe. I was drowning in my own relief and sadness and betrayal and sickness. It took me only seconds after to realize that we wouldn’t be together, not really, ever again. He wouldn’t remember the burn on my neck, the way he stabbed my mother, the first time we were together, the Christmas we spent laughing, or the fact that I had given him everything I had to give. My body was shaking. I watched Israel begin to help Vincent to the bed and I grabbed the cement block that was Samael and took off. There was no way my skin could be in that church any longer.

Darkness had crept into the sky by the time I made it to the post office. In my bag I had Vincent’s journal, the cement block of Samael, and anything I had to take that would remind Vincent of Samael’s being. That meant letters I had written to him, and the couple songs I had recorded for him. It was all there. I wrote a simple note with just my initial on it and taped it to the cement block before I mailed it, despite the fortune in shipping it cost, to Natalie. I wanted her to know I had done something. I wanted her to know she had pissed the wrong girl off. I wanted her to know I would kill her if she drove me to it, if she dared to come near him again.

Then I drove to the school. Only because I didn’t want to go home. For the last while I had been staying at Caleb’s sometime, given his lack of parents, but even that didn’t seem like a place I could go after today. He looked at me with so much tenderness and all I could give him was the emptiness I had inside of me. I showed him how much I loved Vincent, even when he wasn’t asking for anything in return, and I felt disgusted with myself for leading him on.

For awhile I sat in the dark in the parking lot on the hood of the car and watched the tree near where the fairy circle was. I wasn’t really looking at it, not really. I was just listening to the sounds of night around me. I don’t know how much time passed as my thoughts ran back and forth to Vincent and my mother. My hands had power now. I could hurt things. I could kill things. I had made the deal. I had given up the only person I had loved other than Vincent to get it.

For days I had been avoiding the truth. That three days before my mother’s funeral I had sat beside her and injected a syringe into her IV tube. Dad had always talked about killing himself on his binges. I had listened, terrified, but something of it had come back to me when I had read the book of hunters. You see, to become a hunter, you have to give a sacrifice for the power. I think somehow the hunters in the past didn’t have many loved ones left, so they killed someone they thought the world wouldn’t miss. Me? I had a mother in intensive care who had a real chance of never waking up. So I did exactly as my neurosurgeon father had said he would kill himself and I did to my own fucking mother. I knew dad wouldn’t order an autopsy. Why would he? She was dying, mostly.

It didn’t take long for her heart to stop. I held her hand and told her I loved her and begged her to forgive me. At the last moment I changed my mind, pulled the call bell, said her heart rate was dropping. They tried to help her. Tried to resuscitate her once she had faded, but they couldn’t help her. The doctor called the time and I threw up before I collapsed on the floor. I just remember waking up at home. I don’t really know what happened between A and B. I just know I killed my mother. And I did it for the power to kill Samael.

But I didn’t use it. My friends killed Samael. It was a sacrifice I never had to make. I killed her for fucking nothing. She died because I was stupid and selfish and didn’t know what I was doing and made the worst mistake of my life. But now she’s dead and Vincent doesn’t remember me and there’s nothing left. Nothing. As I sat on top of the car all I could think about was the great void I had laid out before myself. And then I threw up again and got back inside. Once inside I screamed. And screamed some more. I let the rage and the fear and the tattered bits of me that were left pour out in sound until there was nothing left and I felt empty and raw inside.

Hours passed before I felt anything other than the numbness that had eaten my body. Using my journal, I wrote Vincent a letter and tucked it into his journal. I broke into the school. I took a shower in the girl’s locker room, got dressed, and then went home. My dad wasn’t there. I prayed Jack wasn’t. As though I couldn't see it anymore without it burning me, I shoved Vincent's journal behind the painting in my room then collapsed onto the bed. And I fell into a sleep like none I had had before. The kind of sleep I imagine dead people have. At least I don’t dream anymore.

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In Which An Ending Is Found

Dear Diary,

You know those moments when you can’t believe everything has fallen into place and somehow the stupid plan might work? When even people you have a right to hate come through for you? That happened today and I’m still reeling from the implications of it all.

Ardath, Caleb, Chantel, Israel, Tobias, and myself all did something incredible. Tobias had agreed to help me as long as I stopped isolating him. He didn’t want anything in return. He just wanted in. I felt sick when I agreed but the ends justifies the means, right? You can’t punk out halfway through. The story can’t stop being told because the hero doesn’t feel like being the hero anymore. Not that I’m a hero. I’m so far from it. Everyone knows I’m the opposite. But my goal just couldn’t be left behind. Not now.

So we gathered what we had been spending the day finding. Israel had some weird water. Chantel had mentioned possibly selling out Leanne. Ardath had gotten some cold iron. I had gotten Tobias, I guess. And Elliot to help. Caleb… well, I guess he had kept an eye on Vincent. I don’t know what he had been doing. But we all went to the church where we found Red Cap sitting outside.

Immediately the boys got defensive, and I sat down beside Robin to ensure no one attacked him. I wasn’t going to have more violence happen. I was done with the bullshit. I just wanted to save Vincent and be done with everything. Chantel talked with Robin, and everyone carried in the stuff from the cars. Vincent had brought his family’s book he got from his mom, Natalie. He gave Robin a pointed look before going inside. Then Robin said he was sorry about my mom and I had to walk away. I couldn’t think about her. About what I had done.

Before we could begin the ritual, Robin mentioned something about the church being off. We walked inside and saw these weird demonlike imps running around with all the crosses turned upside down. Israel killed several and became his true angel form. The imps jumped on Vincent and started to form into wings on his back. I tried to help him but the burn on my neck of Samael began to sear and felt like my skin was peeling. And then Israel killed them all and blessed the church again or something. My burn stopped hurting and I lead Vincent into the basement. It was time.

Once inside Tobias began a ritual. We didn’t have enough power because Israel had tossed the water (I’m still not sure what the fuck happened there). So we each gave something. Ardath gave his fairy power. I forgave Samael for all he had done, taking his power away from me. Chantel told Samael that he never had power over her, and denied him any power still, showing she had no fear of him. Caleb gave the coin of his father. Israel convinced Vincent he needed to reject Samael. And then the ritual was going and there was no way to stop it.

It came down to Vincent truly rejecting Samael and everything Samael was. That meant his past, his present, and his future. Everything he had done that had even the slightest supernatural element to it… would be gone. It meant our whole life together so far would be erased from him and he would be new. I watched as the spell completed and Israel ripped the dragon like wings and half-body off of Vincent and it congealed into a gross pool of shed skin and old scales. Tobias mixed it into some cement and then there was just Vincent.

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In Which A Plan Is Hatched

Dear Diary,

The only thing that saw me through the funeral, the visitations, the random people who would drop off food or flowers, the people who said they were friends who wanted to talk.. the only thing I found a comfort through the entire time was the thought that I could do something about it soon. Soon I would be able to confront Samael and soon Vincent would be free. Even after everything, I still love him. More than anything.

I didn’t know enough about Samael to really form a plan. I just knew that I had the power now to kill him, or at least send him back to Hell. The power had such a high price, but I knew it would be worth it. I promised Vincent I would free him. I had promised myself I wouldn’t let Samael take him in the end. When he stabbed my mom it just seemed like Samael was going to win. I had to do something. I had to stop him. I couldn’t let him destroy Vincent like this.

As I watched him recuperate in the hospital before I left him there, I made a simple decision. I would do whatever it took to free him. That’s when I went to the bookstore. That’s when I read the book of hunters. But it’s not as simple as all that, is it? Not really. Nothing since I met Vincent has been that simple.

Class ended and I sent a text to Chantel, asking her and Israel to meet me. So we met at her sound booth. She hasn’t had time for the radio lately but it still seemed like that booth was a second home to her. With her parents, I couldn’t really blame her. She met me there with Israel and Tobias. Tobias. My body instantly tensed as I looked at him. I wanted to slap him and call him an idiot and pull him away from my friends for a minute. I wanted to tell him to run the hell away and never look back, or one day he’d be dead. Or worse. He’d be something like me.

I asked him to wait outside and told Chantel and Israel I wanted ot kill Samael. We started to discuss it, and each of us looked into our own books. Between us all we realized we need a greater power than Samael in order to destroy him, and a weapon of some kind to sever his tie to Vincent, and an object to bind him to. Finding a bigger power than Samael would be difficult, and Leanne’s name was tossed around. Chantel seemed hesitant. How could she hesitate to kill Leanne? Israel had told me what she had done to him. That he had died for Meg at Leanne’s hand. How could Chantel do that to Israel? Did he even know she was dating her?

I sighed and then suddenly Ardath was coming in. Chantel asked if I wanted him involved. I knew he had connections to powerful things. And he was clever. No doubt he’d hatch some plan to make himself have an advantage. I didn’t care. Whatever it took, it would take. I already given up so much to get this done. I agreed and Israel threw a fit. We argued, he stayed, and then Vincent and Caleb showed up.

I don’t know how it happened, but between all of us we came up with a way to remove Samael from Vincent. The only catch was his soul was in jeopardy and could potentially get ripped out of him when we cut the ties with Samael. I knew I couldn’t let that happen, so while everyone else was going to be finding a way to get rid of Samael, I decided to find a way to save his soul. Then Israel tried to find a higher power, I guess, and collapsed onto the floor drowning.

Water poured from his mouth as he coughed, strangled and sputtered. I stopped to try to help him, and only realized there was nothing I could do. So I left him there on the floor, possibly dying. I couldn’t save him.

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In Which The Next Generation Arrives

Dear Diary,

Day one back at school and already I feel like coming back was a mistake. I should have run away and never looked back. Packed my bags and ran back to Manhattan or to California or to the Maldives. Health class decided to hand over the one project I had been dreading. Parenting.

The Baby Think It Over projects are handed out. Much like how I was feeling, I was hoping to be a single mom, but Tobias, Chantel, and Israel teamed up to have a modern progressive family, meaning the rest of us would have a partner. I saw Vincent’s sadness and Caleb’s eagerness and I grabbed the baby, the assignment, and sat down beside Ardath. I asked if he wanted to have a baby, and after a slew of sexual jokes, he finally glanced at the sheet and promptly determined the project was mine to deal with. I was surprised my plan had worked so well.

Ardath. I think he’s the guy I love to hate. His fingers are in so many pies, his eyes on anyone even mildly attractive, his goals always under a surface of sarcasm. Part of me wants to ask him who he really is, what he really wants. That part of me also wants to help him. The rest of me is disgusted by my own slight intrigue. He’s like Vincent, kind of. That darkness I know that’s in myself is in him, it’s in Vincent. Something so inhuman I’m afraid to look in its eyes.

That finally left Vincent and Caleb together to have their own child. I guess there’s something funny in that. They were both uncomfortable when they were partnered together. I wasn’t going to tell the teacher that in my old school we’d already done this project. I knew enough that I was sure the baby would survive until the next week, as long as Ardath didn’t actually get near it.

My partner got a text, made some weird remarks and then asked if I needed his help. I can’t think, even now, of an instance I’d ever need his help. So I shrugged, said no, and let him leave us behind. After all, I had to talk to Chantel and Israel about something and the last thing I wanted was more people around. I would’ve asked Caleb too, but he was busy hanging out with Vincent and I didn’t want Vincent there.

I can’t look at him without seeing the knife. Without remembering the sharp smell of the blood. Without feeling its warmth on my hands as I pressed the wound on my mother, my knuckles bruised from hitting Vincent. All I see when I look at Vincent is Samael. It makes me sick.

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In Which A New Life Begins

Dear Diary,

I’ve been reading that book that Elliott gave me. The one that I know is changing me, fundamentally, in a way I hadn’t really expected. Nothing seems different when I look in the mirror, though. I guess not really. I’m not as pale. I don’t look as hollow. But the eyes…

I made the sacrifice it asked. Maybe that’s when I noticed the slightest of changes. It could be all the crying. But the training has been going well, I think. I asked Israel to help teach me about weapons. He even asked me to hit him to prove to myself, mostly, that hitting something could make a difference. I guess I might’ve hurt him, because he laughed after and held his jaw.

Caleb has been going through hand to hand with me. I’ve spent most of the week with him, learning to fight something unnaturally strong. We even talked about Jack, since he knows. It’s only been a week but already I feel like more than the girl who was crying behind her boyfriend. I feel like I could one day make a difference if my friends needed me. I feel like I could fight back for once.

The archery and martial arts lessons I’ve been taking downtown are exhausting. Between the funeral, spending time with my “teachers” and my classes, the week has moved faster than I thought it would. It’s only when time stands still that the reality of my life comes crashing in.

Time seems to pause and the world becomes a little surreal. When I go home to sleep, I try to march past anything my mother has touched to just fall into bed. But tomorrow school expects me to be there and I’ll have to be at home long enough to eat food, to shower, to put clothes on that aren’t old and filled with holes. I’ll need to smile. To say I’m fine. To avoid the eyes of everyone I’ve come to know.

Maybe no one will know. I’m new and not many people know me. No one will notice. No one will ask. If only Vincent wouldn’t be there, if I could avoid his pleading eyes. I guess we all have to face our demons at some point. Might as well be tomorrow.

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