Dear Diary,
I know there are times when we have bad days. Everyone has them. The day when everything just seems to fall apart. Sometimes it starts with spilling your coffee or sour milk in said coffee or salt instead of sugar. Sometimes it's an alarm going off at the wrong time. Sometimes it's the pipes giving you cold water instead of hot. Everyone knows those mornings.
My days don't usually start with bad mornings. Curtis and I have a routine, depending on who's up first. They make coffee. Curtis makes sure nothing in the house is sour or rotten. He has a thing about food and having enough of everything. I'm pretty sure it comes from the "wartime" and starving or not having enough. My bad day started when I got home from doing a tutorial on neurological pathologies.
There were rose petals on my bed. And a note from Solomon saying he missed me. He literally broke into my house and left flowers and a note on my bed. There was a wave of rage, and a brief way of nostalgia. Maybe it's me or maybe it's the dirtbags I bring home, but all of them tend to do shit like this. Quiet reminders of a love they hold. Alistair would leave haikus in my pockets, about the battlefield of our love. I still have one.
Maybe that's why I felt the need to go end it. The number of lovers I've killed is kind of grossly high. I didn't bring my bow. Just my knives. When I found him he was discussing something with a demon. I... decided I didn't need to hedge my bets and just walked up yelling at him. It wasn't the best plan. He was, as usual, an ass about it, and somehow assured me stalker-like behaviour was in fact a turn on. So, well, I tried to hit him. Phoenix (the demon) got in the way by dancing method and pissed off, I walked away.
Merov was on my mind. He's on it a lot and that bothers me more and more. There's something terrifyingly fascinating and even impressive about him, but I can't help but feel he's a threat, and something I should be squishing like a bug while I can. I decided I needed an oracle. Someone who could tell me shit on him that wasn't having touchy feelings towards him, like my wayward roomie was.
Turns out, wandering around going off of bad info on where to find an oracle while there's unrest in the werelion community is kind of like walking through a barnyard and trying not to get shit on your boots. I stepped into the middle of a fight with a bunch of the lions. Of course they were pissed this was all my fault for killing their Mufasa, so they came towards me, angry as riled bees. I took out the knife and said something. It was enough to make them back off.
I should've left it alone. Instead I told them that Merov was the one who had given me the sword to kill Simba or whatever his name was. They told me they didn't care. Because who cared about Merov's dog. Everything in me told me to kill them. Of course my reputation went from being a badass twisted killer to the dog of the King. Instead I walked away, even though it took everything I had in me.
Finally I called Merov. I'd had enough and I needed to talk to him figure out whatever was happening. I needed something to assuage the mounting feeling that he was bad, awful evening. In a way that I hadn't felt in awhile. When he answered he told me Curtis was in the hospital. Naturally I showed up as quickly as possible. Some wizard named Carla had shot him and I was about done with people hurting Curtis. Curtis started talking quickly about some ghoul plague and the fae party that was happening, which I hadn't really thought much of, and I told him he could be shot later, we had to go stop ... whatever... ghoul plague was.
A nurse came in and put something in the IV drip. Derek showed up minutes later to start telling the nurse what she was doing was wrong. Of course they took it to another room, but he had given me a look to say... well, that he may be in trouble. After he didn't return I got up and found the crazy bitch stabbing him. My attempt to get in the way just resulted in being knocked back and the nurse stabbing Derek again. Curtis and Merov came out, Curtis did some mind fuckery thing and I grabbed Derek. We got the fuck out of there, but Curtis was still hurt and Derek was bleeding in a serious way.
Curtis and Merov took Merov's car because the truck couldn't take everyone. On the ride I called Phoenix, that demon from earlier. I offered up a favour later for Curtis and Derek being healed. The demon agreed, like they always fucking do. Then Derek began to bleed rapidly. It didn't kill him and I managed to keep the truck on the road as a nurse emerged out of the blood and started to heal him. It was fucking insane. Derek started screaming and freaking the fuck out. I couldn't blame him.
I remember when I was just a human amongst monsters. Ten years ago was a long time ago but feels like yesterday sometimes. I haven't learned any lessons. I've just learned not to touch mortals. Derek listened to me as I told him to calm down and we had a talk about, well, how he was managing. I want to help him, but I don't want to encourage him. The deeper he gets the more the odds are he won't walk away one day. I can't be there every time to pull him out of the fire. Even if I wish I could.
He seemed to be dealing as we pulled up to the party. Curtis and Merov were dealing with some woman. Curtis had this briefcase and was somewhere between running the fuck away and lost in anxiety or a sudden vision. I've seen it before. It was possibly the worst time for him to tap out, but I wasn't going to let him get hurt again. I grabbed the bow from behind the seat and shot the bitch. Naturally she tossed a vial of whatever the fuck she had at me.
It didn't... feel... like anything. Whatever gaseous infection had entered me was undetected. I glanced at the time just to make sure I could time how long infection took. Tenzin stared at me, that fucking weasel of a wizard, and said he may know a way to help but dick all to do it. So I walked over and made sure to give him contact so he'd get sick too, potentially. Ghoul plague. I was about to be an enemy of Curtis'. I wanted to hug him, to apologize, to do something to stop whatever guilt he was about to suck down into the void of his mind, but instead, he looked at me and something fucking weird happened.
It's nothing I can explain. It felt like being unzipped, having my insides scooped out, and then having insides poured back inside. I didn't feel right inside, but I also wasn't becoming a feral ghoul. Curtis looked furious and afraid all at once. Then explained that he had... pushed... ghoul plague into the future with his mind. There was a hard moment when I was grateful and terrified of him all at once. This was the first time I had ever seen Curtis move time. Or consequences through time. I had no idea he could do that. And no idea what that meant in the long game.
Merov convinced the wizard to lock up the plague suitcase in his sanctum that was... pretty, actually. In a catalogue sort of way. Derek, Tenzin, Merov, Curtis, and myself all locked it away. We all have to be present in order to unlock it again. So until I fall down dead from it sometime in the random future, the world is safe. Again.
But it didn't feel like a victory. It felt like Curtis had become more monstrous. That Derek had gone deeper down the rabbit hole. That Tenzin was still busy scamming people instead of helping. That Maeve didn't give a flying fuck. That Merov had inserted himself in a way to gain power again. And that I had killed again without stopping, without asking questions, because someone had hurt Curtis.
Every day I get a little more convinced there's no going back. The ghoul plague in the IV bag nurse evil had hooked up came from my research lab. All my work on homologous recombinations on unnatural genomes began to spiral in my mind. Someone had taken my research and reversed it. Someone had used everything I had been working at, trying to find a curse for myself, for my fucking genetics, and weaponized it. The only person who had access to the research and blood was my advisor. Who thinks Curtis beats me.
The only thing I can do is destroy it all and burn it to the ground. It's too dangerous to research.
I just need to accept that I'll always be a monster.
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